Ottoman Troops enter Serbia!

Bosnian Axillaries under the command of a Turkish Lieutenant enter the Belgrade borough of Savski Venac en route to the historic confluence of the Danube and Sava rivers.

Originally published in the Istanbul Fez-Courier

BELGRADE – Ottoman Forces arrived in Belgrade this morning relieving local police forces and militias of their arms and responsibilities. Forces specially trained in mountain and irregular tactics supported by Bosnian Muslim auxiliaries and heavy artillery now straddle the Danube after declaring martial law across the former state.

Sporadic fighting took place throughout the day between Ottoman troops and anarchist Slav bandits. “By the time we are finished here Muslims across the Balkans will no longer have to live in fear of Slav aggression.” The commander of the Ottoman X Corps, General Hafiz Hakki Pasha said, from his new headquarters in Belgrade.

General Hafiz Hakki Pasha inspects members of the X Corps’ 31st Infantry Division now garrisoned in the former Serbian capital.

While he refused to speculate on the potential origin of the bandits arms and logistical support General Pasha remained optimistic that all resistance would soon cease saying, “... our Bosnian Auxiliaries have been deployed on around the clock pacification operations throughout Belgrade and the Serbian countryside. I have total confidence that once Istanbul is certain of who it is that is plotting intrigues against us that they will regret it.”

Save Serbia!

Pall falls over Balkans as ethnic strife rankles governments

Belgrade – In an act of historic perfidy, Ottoman forces, having crossed the Austro-Hungarian border into the province of Serbia last Spring, have declared their intention to annex the territory. Originally citing some alleged altercation between Bosnian Muslims and some brawling Serbs, Ottoman troops entered Belgrade, obstinately under the pretence of keeping the peace. Now they appear to have set up residence. “If the Austrians will not garrison this place then we will. There must be law, and Sharia law is just as good as any.” one Turkish officer said as his men took control the local police station. The Austro-Hungarian government sees matters differently however. “This is a clear attempt to subvert Christendom and the unity of Europa!” exclaimed a spokesman for the Austrian Archduke outside of Miramar Castle in Trieste. “These trespassers were warned about respecting the integrity of our sphere. If they do not vacate the territory immediately we will have no choice but to take the ultimate step… petition Russia for redress!” The Russian ambassadors to Trieste and Constantinople could not be reached for comment following the Austrian statement as they have been on holiday in Rumania since the outset of the incident.

Ruski Go Bragh!

Queen of Ice to face Queen of Scots on home turf

Scotland – Imperial Russian Marines made a surprise landing in Scotland the other day near Ullapool, not least surprising as the success of the landing was owed in large part to Scottish assistance. Scottish rebels, mostly hailing from the rogue clan Gordon which was driven underground by the British First Lord, came to the aid of the Russian marines who were pinned on the shore, taking the British shore defences near from behind. “Ack, me and the laddies figured why not help the Russians. After all they hate the English as much as us and their lives are just as miserable, these are men we can relate to.”

Despite the defection of the Gordons and others a full scale clan uprising remains to be seen however as the British have made an appeal to the Highlanders to follow the Duchess of Matt, wife to the British First Lord, as the true descendant to the throne of Scotland. Some clans are reported to have rallied to Edinburgh in support of her right, although the Duchess may have alienated some Scots over comments she made when one band attempted to present her with an Aboyne dress in the colours of their clan tartan. “Oh my god, are you serious, plaid? Why don’t I just put a bag over my head and die.” the Duchess reputedly remarked. Other setbacks to the British effort to repel the Russians have also been reported. Local British militia south of the landing attempted to rally a force to drive the Russians and renegades out, but much the surprise of all again an invading force of Irish dissidents flying the Russian flag landed at Ayr to send them fleeing, solidifying the Russians’ hold over the whole Clyde region. When asked why the Irish would choose to enter the war on Russia’s side one fellow amongst the dissidents reasoned it was for practical reasons. “We grow potatoes, they drink vodka. Needless to say we stand to earn a wee bit of coin under the Tsarina.”

France Falls

Italians defeated too, but no one really surprised or interested



Paris – To the refrain of Deutschland Uber Alles German forces marched through the streets of the former capital of the French Republic. Goose-stepping down the Champs-Élysées, the Germans put on a show of bravado despite recent setbacks at home. “Sure, ve may be ze last German army, but ve have followed un our forefather’s footsteps zis day!” extolled one officer before sharply clicking his heels and marching away. The French, whose armies collapsed on all fronts and have now been completely conquered by their enemies, were, as can be expected, sullen but also someone apathetic. “Mon dieu, not again.” snorted one gourmand as he watched the passing Germans before returning to his elcair. In the rest of occupied France it’s much the same. Café owners carried on their usual business of spitting on the ground in front of foreigners, while at the cabaret the women braided the hair of their underarms as usual before taking to the stage. In British occupied Brest the scene was similar, with the exception that the English occupiers somehow looked even more sullen than the fallen French. One Royal Navy sailor ruefully quipped “Now that we’ve bested Froggie it looks like we’ll have to live with them… damn, didn’t think that one out, now did we?”

Turks Celebrate Vizier's Birthday

Reported in the Moscow Gazette on the 26th August

GENEVA - Much of Europe was able to take a much needed rest from the increasingly tense state of affairs, as celebrations occured throughout Africa and the Mediterranean in honour of the Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire's birthday. In Constantinople, a particularly loyal group of subjects even treated the Grand Vizier to a special performance:


They Might Be Giants - Instanbul (Not Constantinople)
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It is believed that the Grand Vizier's office will return to business as usual tomorrow.