The Lost "Diplomacy News"

The following article almost ran when an error in comminication led the Russian Tsarina to believe Austria-Hungary had attacked her.

"HE PLAYED RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH MY HEART"
RUSSIAN QUEEN BLAMES MAGICIAN FOR DIPLOMATIC WOES

MOSCOW - Sources at the Winter Palace claim that Russian Tsarina Rhiannon Davidovna is heartbroken by the betrayal of her close confidant, the Austrian Archduke--so much so, in fact, that she is blaming Gregor Rasputin for her troubles. It seems that Rasputin, who is most famous for his peculiar body odour and his all-black wardrobe, had been encouraging the alliance with the Archduke. "I overheard him telling her that he thought the Archduke was the most trustworthy of all the European leaders," a palace official tells Der Spiegel. "He also said that he thought Austria would be a strong ally for Russia. She's furious with him now, and considering banishing him to Siberia. The other royal advisors are thrilled that they might not have to compete with him any longer."

No one at the palace would comment further on the Rasputin story, though there have been unconfirmed reports that upon receiving the diplomatic missives that revealed Austria's treachery, the Tsarina exclaimed, "At least when England fucked me, he gave me the courtesy of a reach around."

Bolshevism!

Tsarina abdicates after workers rise up and storm winter palace

St. Petersburg – In a shocking turn of events Her Imperial Highness, Rhiannon Davidovna, Tsarina of all the Russias, was forced to abdicate her throne as revolutionaries took to the streets of St. Petersburg. Shocking to many observers and onlookers, the state of affairs in the Russian capital has in fact been fermenting for some time. In the waning months of the war a succession of military victories buoyed the court at St. Petersburg into a nascent triumphalism, the Tsarina and her ministers in kind giving themselves over to an oft raspberry vodka induced euphoria, neglecting the daily affairs of state. This left the populace susceptible to incitement by Bolsheviks and other rabble rousers.

“Da Tsarina and a all a dese royaltees da ‘urope ‘ave been a stepping all a over you workers, just a like dey stepped all over a me!” exclaimed one be-ragged revolutionary who, in a dishevelled way, resembled the former King of Italy. “Put a me in charge a, and I will bring a about a worker’s paradisio! You’ll a see!”

The Austro-Hungarian Archduke upon hearing the news immediately laid claim to the Russian throne, pledging to make for the capital. Before he could depart however he was spirited away by the Duchess of Matt and the Italian Queen Consort, whereupon they made him stand about while they perused women’s stockings. “I’m not even married, how does this happen?” the Archduke was overheard to bemoan before adding “Why doesn’t a Serbian terrorist just shoot me in the hea…”

With rioting and revolution in the streets the de facto and now defunct ruler of most of Europe slipped away quietly from the city. Boarding her yacht in the harbour with her husband and sisters, the Tsarina stopped only to comment “I’ve spent so much time focusing on victory abroad that I’ve let things degrade here at home. It’s time I got my own house in order.” With that she turned with a swoosh of her bustle, boarded the yacht and departed, two pocket battle-cruisers escorting her vessel in tow. A newsreel man, camera in hand, managed to record some of the departure, noting with some surprise “All in all she seems happy enough!” at spying the Tsarina’s party dancing on the aft deck as they sailed away.

An Urgent Cable from Istanbul!‏

Turks declare war on Austria-Hungary long after attacking; but better late than never
Citizens and Leaders of Europe,

It is my duty to inform you this evening that the Ottoman Empire has been left no recourse but to wage jihad against the state of Austria and the House of Habsburg-Lorraine. Subsequent to this declaration, it is my unfortunate responsibility to withdraw from our founding position in the Eastern Alliance.

At this hour it is the duty of the Ottoman Empire to state before both the world and Allah himself that it places the greatest importance on its alliance and friendship with the Russian Empire and its Tsarina. The Turkish state and its forces pledge their continued support to Russia in its own jihad against Western European imperialist decadence. The forces of the Ottoman Empire solemnly pledge to never draw their swords against another Eastern power in an act of Machiavellian aggression. This decision is based solely upon the conduct of the Ottoman Empire’s “Austrian ally”.

Through his press his supposed “Majesty”, the Emperor of Austria Franz Joseph has the audacity to suggest that this decision is the result of an alliance with Great Britain. Nothing could be further from the truth, there is and never will be an alliance between The Ottoman Empire and Great Britain. His “Majesty” and his representatives chose this grandstanding route over a private redress of grievances with this government.

The suggestion however, that Austria knows the motives of the Ottoman Empire better than its own rulers is all too typical of the arrogance displayed his “Majesty” Franz Joseph and his representatives.

It does not surprise the Turkish people that the Austro-Hungarian press would so brazenly display such hypocrisy as to declare our actions a “betrayal”. We must as citizens of the world remember that this is an Empire that has the temerity to wage wars against Imperialist states in Great Britain, France, Italy, and Germany while it subjugates and disenfranchises millions of ethnic Croats, Hungarians, Czechs, Slovaks, Poles, Romanians, Slovaks, Slovenes, and Ukrainians. Its officer’s mess fills to capacity with decedent German-speaking Barons while its roll call of frontline dead bear the names of countless enslaved minorities.

From day one of our alliance there was not one pact, one agreement, nor one understanding that was not subject to immediate reinterpretation or recantation. Whether it was Greece, France, or the Balkans - Austria’s word was never its bond. Its representatives displayed no honour in maneuvering its armies into positions against Turkish ones, openly flaunting its schemes to the enemies of this country, yet somehow continually managing to forget to inform its own “ally” of their intentions. The sailors and soldiers of the Ottoman Empire were nothing more than further fodder to be sacrificed on the altar of Viennese world domination. The promised Austrian support in the Mediterranean seemed only to materialize when it benefitted Austria. The Emperor seemed all too content to play with what it saw as its new toy in Moscow, while discarding its old one in Istanbul.

I remind you all that the Holy Quran states, “Fight against those who fight against you in the way of God, but do not transgress, for God does not love transgressors.” citizens and leaders of Europe, The Ottoman Empire can no longer forgive the transgressions of the Austrian Empire.

Sincerely

The Grand Vizier

Jihad! Turkey Betrays Allies!

Did English agents plant the seeds of disloyalty in Turkey’s heart?


Istanbul - In a faithless and baseless act of perfidy, Turkey has broken ranks with its Eastern allies and launched a full out assault along a wide front against them. With strikes against Marseilles, Rome and Budapest the Ottoman Empire has turned the diplomatic world upside down, raising many questions as to what could motivate the Sultan’s government to violate its treaties and align with its one time enemy. Observers say the trouble all began when the power behind the Sultan’s throne, the Grand Vizier, shunned his harem to become the cuckold of a Welsh woman reputed to be an agent of the English First Lord. “A man can not have two mistresses, and the Welsh lady made it clear he could not court her and the Tsarina.” said one former harem attendant, on condition of anonymity. While some might chalk up the Vizier’s change of mood to love the Turk’s former allies were not so forgiving of his diplomatic wanderlust. Speaking at a rally in Trieste to troops bound for the front the Austro-Hungarian Archduke made a number of recriminations. “Do not be deceived, the English and Ottomans have made a common pact to subjugate Europa and divvy it up into mercantile colonies and vassal states. The Occident will never relent to the Orient though, Christendom will prevail, Europa will prevail!” For her part the Tsarina of all the Russias was more reflective when reached for comment, glancing through photos from a recent costume ball at the Winter Palace at which the Vizier had attended. “We all came dressed for merry-making, he wore a soldier’s garb. We should have seen this coming.”