Ottoman Insurrection!

Democratic Unrest Spreads to Turkey
Istanbul – Protests and riots that have spread across the Middle East and been toppling local potentates have spread in recent days to the Ottoman capital itself. The clamor for regime change and free elections first began in the fringes of the empire, and have been slowly moving inwards towards the heart of the empire. With governors in Tunis and Egypt already deposed and riots and demonstrations spreading as far as Damascus and Tripoli, the Sultan today consented to hold parliamentary style elections to fill the offices of his court. “With our troops preoccupied at the front we have no choice but to make peace with the protesters.” said the Grand Vizier, the Sultan’s chief minister. As part of the Sultan’s compromise with the protesters the Grand Vizier must resign his political office as well as the title of Kaptan Pasha, commander of Ottoman fleet and forces. “We’re letting the rabble direct the course of history, Allah save us. May the almighty guide and protect the Sultan, peace be upon him.”

While the Vizier is off organizing and fighting for election to his former appointed post, the military will be stepping in to direct affairs of state and guide the war effort. Mustafa Kemal McNevin, who up to now has been Pasha of the Eastern Command, will be assuming control of Ottoman forces and the Vizier’s office for the duration of the crisis. Hailing from empire’s Russian territories, McNevin Pasha vowed to carry on the war and bring victory to the Ottoman state. “We will vanquish all the traitors that have stabbed us in the back so many times before!” exclaimed the Pasha in a prepared statement. “Whomever prevails in these… elections… shall preside over a court that dominates the world, this I solemnly swear!”

No statement has been issued yet indicating the formal details of how the transfer of power will take place, however it is expected to happen almost immediately.

Time Traveler Challenges British Foreign Policy

London – The appearance of a mysterious visitor in the British capital has set the city ablaze with rumours and fanciful talk of time travel. Witnesses say late Wednesday evening a police box materialized out of thin air in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, out of which emerged a man claiming to be a doctor from the future. If these accounts weren’t strange enough to cause a stir, the mysterious man’s message from the supposed future has proven even more alien than his person. “Let the Germans take over the continent!” exhorted said doctor to the assembled crowd. “If you don’t you’ll just wind up fighting them later, and then the EU will try and impose Euros and the metric system on us. The metric system, for the love of God!” The bewildered crowd clearly didn’t know what to make of some of the Doctor’s strange comments, however before they could be clarified he took off for the London Stock Exchange, bought a number of shares of Standard & Poor’s, and then vanished as he came. His comments about Germany however have lingered and ignited some public debate, with opponents of German domination coming out in force. “By his accent he’s clearly a Scot,” observed one onlooker who was present during the spectacle; “can we really trust the word of a Scot anymore than we would Bosch? I don’t think so.”

Some have suggested the mysterious doctor may have been a secret German agent, while others have argued his advice might be sound, given recent German aggression. While His Majesty’s government has refrained from comment on the issue, the Turkish Ambassador, Davros Dalek, has publicly encouraged the British people to repudiate the Doctor’s message. Asked directly what he thinks England should do about Germany he made a very succinct statement. “Exterminate. Exterminate!”

Bon Fete Foch!

French leader celebrates birthday in exile

North Africa – Months of investigative journalism has uncovered that the former French commander, General Foch, is alive and well. The former leader’s condition and whereabouts were discovered after an exhaustive search to find the remnants of the French fleet yielded results. The vessels were located in shallows just off the North African coast, scuttled and clearly abandoned for some time. On the shore however were a number of suspiciously pale and beret clad ‘Algerians’. “Alors, ve ‘ave not seen zees Franchmen ‘ou speak of,” said a representative of the group, who without his thin moustache would have bared a striking resemblance to the presumably deceased General Foch. “Now, come drink ze wine wis us!” After much wine and a little cognac, one of the pasty Algerians made a toast of “Bon fete Foch!”, with everyone giving a brief cheer until the moustache clad Foch gave them all a dirty look, muttering “Les imbeciles.” With the cat out of the bag, Foch agreed to answer a few questions on condition his exact location not be given away. “Ah, it iz not so bad,” remarked Foch, when asked how he was adjusting to life away from France. “Ze food is deplorable, but ze vin, she iz as plentiful here as in Marseilles. When asked his thoughts on the war Foch responded “It iz a shame France iz divided in three. Even under a foreign flag, France should be united.” When asked who he thought might accomplish this Foch, chuckling, would only reply “Non, non, you will not drag me into zat mess. Let zem fight it out amongst zemselves, n’est pas?

Italy Occupies Spain

French out-surrender Italians

Madrid – In a bookmaker’s match-up in which it was hugely contested who’d be able to rip the centre out of their tricolour first and wave it around their head, the French have defied the odds to all but abandon the Iberian Peninsula, leaving Italy in possession of Spain. Having entered Spain the previous Spring unopposed, as the French had already fallen back to home territory, there had been some notion that the French might actually contest the Italian incursion, but that notion has now been dispelled.

“Ha, no one gives up before France! Ze think we will make war? Alors, we make crêpes! Take zat you Italian dogs, enjoy your war making while we seduce votre femmes!” exclaimed on French commander, before breaking out into outrageous French laughter.

The Italian troops for their part were clearly mystified by their progress. “This a forward moving, advancing I a think dey a call it, dat takes some a getting a used to.” commented one soldier. Italian military officials have been recalled to Rome to explain the situation to the King, and develop some plan to sustain their armies. “Normally a they a would be prisoners of war by now. We a never thought we’d have to feed them dis long.” said one attaché, on condition of anonymity. “And a get dis, apparently a you can reload a rifle after use a. Had a we known dat a we would have a bought more bulletos.”

To add to the Italian government’s confusion at the newfound state of affairs the small kingdom has also added Trieste to their territory after several gondolas out of Venice strayed into harbour and were subsequently declared to be in possession of the city. “We a tried to a give it a back, but de wouldn’t have a it.” expained one befuddled oarsman. “I a guess we should just stick a to switching sides, it’s a what we do a best.”

Kipling Sounds The Alarm

But not all agree armies the way to go

London – English laureate and outspoken commentator Rudyard Kipling has begun a speaking tour which will take him all around Britain in hopes of rousing his countrymen from what he deems “a fatal slumber.” “The Hun has introduced conscription and amassed armies that outnumber ours four to one,” said Kipling. “Can we really let our young men loll about while across the Channel the Germanic Horde struts in triumph? We need conscription now!” While the atmosphere of jingoism does permeate much of Britain these days following the successful campaign in Russia, not all agree with Kipling’s assessment of the Empire’s situation, nor where its priorities should lay.

“Rubbish! We are an island nation, and it is the sea that will keep us safe.” retorted MP Winston Churchill upon hearing of Kipling’s comments. “While I am no great admirer of Bosch, he has but a tiny flotilla moored in Stockholm. Unless the Germans can goosestep on water, and I very much doubt that, our continued safety rests, as it always has, with the Royal Navy.” Some cynical commentators note that the MP is rumoured to have aspirations of assuming the post of First Lord of the Admiralty, and as such his defence of the navy may be politically motivated. With the most recent military expenditures by the government evenly split between the Army and Royal Navy, it is believed the Prime Minister will attempt to court favour with both camps, and prepare for every eventuality.

Barge Sinks In The Baltic

Former Tsar of the Russias feared onboard

Copenhagen – The Russian expatriate community fell into mourning this morning on word that the former Tsar of all the Russias has drowned. The government in exile, set up in Iceland to agitate its foes beyond their reach, verified in a statement that the Tsar was secretly being ferried to safety when the vessel he was on apparently capsized. “We are seeking any witnesses that can shed light on what happened.” said an official for the exiled band. With all of his armies gone and the navy proper sunk it is believed the Tsar was making a late getaway on a salvage scow used by the Russian Navy, decked out with some small armaments to give it the appearance of a cruiser or something more fierce than it was. “In the end, all of our vessels proved to be Potemkin, if you follow me.” quipped one former Russian sailor before returning to the street to beg for change. At present there is no word whether a service will be held to commemorate the late Tsar, speculation being that the government in exile may be waiting to see if his body washes ashore in the next few days.

Paris And Warsaw Fall To Germany 37 Years Ahead Of Schedule

A testament to German efficiency!

Occupied Paris – Defying the old adage that Germany cannot successfully make war on two fronts, soldiers of the Wehrmacht entered Paris and Warsaw simultaneously, goosestepping in triumph. “You can’t move even zis fast und der autobahn. Remarkable!” exclaimed a monocle clad Oberstleutnant. “Now, lets zee if ve can’t replace a few of zeese éclairs und der display vindows vith strudel, ja!”

“If Bosch thinks we are going to eat le merde, zey are crazy.” remarked one French café patron moments later after the German was out of earshot. After a long drag of his cigarette the beret adorned man went even further, stating “Ze Free French fight on, as long as we ‘ave ‘ope and wine, we can bear zis.”

Warsaw residents were less defiant to the change of guard, having already been under occupation by Austria-Hungary. “We’ve traded one set of Germans for another, who cares?” mused one resident, adding “I’ll say this for Franz Joe’s boys though, they weren’t nearly as ominous looking somehow.”