Russia to Build Trans-European Roadway

Russians to be able to travel Europe more freely in future

St. Petersburg - The Russian government, in an effort to show it is committed to peace and public improvement in its newly acquired territories, has undertaken several projects of public works including a new roadway that will span the entire length of that empire. The roadway, already under construction for some months now is set to have its official grand opening in the not too distant future. While many applaud the project and the work it has brought to a number of regions there are those that see the timetable for the grand opening as being premature. Critics have been quick to note that while progress on the project has been impressive thus far, work crews at present have only completed one lane for most of the roadway’s length. “Well, we only need a westbound lane at present. That’s where most of the traffic is heading.” explained Matvey Mayotteski, chief engineer on the project and director of the Tsarina’s Imperial Public Works Program. “Once we have driven westward far enough, then we’ll deal with getting home.”

Italian Fortune Teller Disrupts Sitting of Parliament

Preachy crone says she saw it all coming

London - An emergency session of the British House of Commons to discuss recent military setbacks in Norway and the opening of a new front in Ibernia was interrupted today when a deranged Italian woman, claiming to be a mystic, burst in on the session. Before the Sergeant at Arms could remove the self proclaimed seer, a Signora Traverso, admonished the chamber for not seeing the future as clearly as she. “I a see great misfortune for all. I a warn every-a-body, but a does someone listen to a me? No!” With the British capital dealing with an increased influx of both Italian and German refugees as a consequence of the war on the continent resources at home are stretched thin, and some watchers fear this incident will not help reduce tensions at home. Others however made light of the situation, with one MP noting with a guffaw, “Harrumph! What makes her think she can lecture us? Pshaw! If she was such a clairvoyant she should have seen her own fate and saved herself from it.”

Moscow Circus Visits Budapest

Russian cultural exchange with the Austro-Hungarian Empire a big hit

Budapest – To the tune of drums and tubas the Moscow Circus paraded through Budapest in advance of its opening night. The circus is visiting as part of a cultural exchange program between Russia and Austria-Hungary, the idea being to encourage citizens of the respective empires to integrate and better appreciate each other’s cultures. “Through such exchanges we hope to further encourage pan-European integration,” noted a spokesman for the government sanctioned program. “It’s all about unity and peace, what we’re seeing here.” For most onlookers however, especially the wee ones, it was more about the elephants, clowns, dancing bears, jugglers and trapeze artists parading by. Most lining the streets seemed to be dazzled by the spectacle, however not all present were impressed. “So they have dancing bears, so what?” remarked one onlooker. “Now the Tsarina, there’s an act. She can make the whole of Europe dance on the point of a bayonet!”

Britannia Absentia

Carousing precedes politicking in the English Court

London - The British fleet may be foundering at sea for want of its First Lord. Sources close to the Duchess of Matt, the Admiral’s wife, report that the couple have been busily engaged in English high society of late and that as such the First Lord’s duties have fallen to the wayside. “Forget the diplomats, the cotillion beckons!” the Duchess was heard to retort when an adjunct tried to present a communiqué to the Admiral. Others suggest that the First Lord’s absence from affairs of state may be more calculated however than that comment lets on. There is a rumour abounding Whitehall that the Admiral was recently fleeced at cards by the roguish Italian ambassador to London, and that the withholding of orders may be some form of reprisal towards that beleaguered government, dependant on England’s goodwill as they are these days.

British Dreadnoughts Set Sail

London - After the humiliating rout of Britain’s fleet in the Barents Sea last fall the Royal Navy is back on its feet. Launching from the shipyards about London, England’s newest taskforce will be led by the flagship dreadnought HMS King George V. Dockworkers were clearly excited at the launching, as England’s shipbuilding program has brought them considerable prosperity. While patriotism certainly is a factor in the celebration, others cited different reasons for their exuberance. “Tha’ was a time when blokes like us would be out a work for months at a time, see, but with them Russians blockin’ and blowin’ ‘em out a tha’ water like they are tha’ work jus’ keeps comin’ for us nowadays!” chirped one cockney shipwright.

The new flagship will be escorted out of harbour by its companion dreadnoughts HMS Jessica’s Fury and HMS Hugo’s Underbite.

Austria-Hungary Responds to Italian Statement on Turkish Declaration

An Address to the Italian People

Your government exhorts you to stand and die in their defence while they slip out the back door. Naples has been abandoned. Rather than fight your leaders, using the armies that should have been kept at home to protect you, have fled through France to Brest where they will shortly board ships and flee to London, into the safety and arms of their masters. The cities, women and children of your land have been left helpless while your leaders have been tricked into partaking in an Anglo-world conspiracy, fighting a proxy war in France as puppets alongside Germany. Is that where your fight rests? Many of your young men have fallen and died, seen their homes destroyed, and for what? So that your government can continue to lord over a few desert dwellers in Tunis? Leave the Orient and Africa for the Ottomans and abandon the petty strife of nationalism. Rejoin Europa, become one with a greater, cosmopolitan civilization.

The House of Habsburg has always been a friend to Italy. Out of the darkness of the middle ages the Habsburgs helped bring the light of the renaissance to Italy. Under the Habsburgs the arts, sciences and architecture of which Italians are now so proud flourished. Italy has always been at its best when it has been free of the pursuits of imperialism. Under the protection of the Habsburgs and the Austro-Hungarian Empire the Italian provinces may flourish once more.

Italy must not be kept in isolation, but shared with the world. Receive us in friendship, and you shall be met with friendship in kind.

To Stability! To Prosperity! To Peace!

Signed, On behalf of His Imperial and Royal Apostolic Majesty, Emperor Franz Joseph I,

His Imperial and Royal Highness, The Archduke

Italian Response to Turkish Declaration

I cittadini dell Impero Italiano,

Non prestare ascolto alla propaganda degli maledetto turco. Siate certi che le vostre mogli ei bambini sono a rischio e sovrano italia è già minacciata. Resistete alla opressor odiato e maledetto il suo tirapiedi musulmano. Tu sei il salvatore dell'Europa. uomini italiani guardare contro le ottomano e il suo burattino - austriaca. Con il vostro aiuto siamo in grado di contrastare bastardi orientale.

L'Italia non sarà mai vinto! Viva la Monarca!

Firmato,
Tommaso Tittoni,
Ministro degli Esteri

Firmato,
Victor Emmanuel III

France Responds to Turk Declaration on Italy

Citoyens de l'empire français,

Vous devez résister à la tyrannie Saracenne! Vos conquérants, honoreront-ils votre religion et libertés, s'ils n'honoreront pas même votre langue? Aujourd'hui, le président français a reçu un télégramme en anglais du sultan de la Turquie. En anglais! Voulez-vous un autre roi qui ne parlera pas même votre langue? Honte! Vive longtemps la République!

M. Le President.

Ottoman Declaration to Italy

Citizens of the Kingdom of Italy!

The Ottoman Navy has begun operations to protect the sovereignty of the Turkish state in the Mediterranean and the continent of Africa.

For centuries Europeans have travelled to the shores of Africa and the Middle East to plunder its riches at the expense of its peoples all while callously laying waste to their culture, beliefs, and traditions.

In pursuit of the redemption of these repressed peoples his imperial majesty Sultan Abdulhammid the II has authorized a war of liberation for the exploited peoples of Tunisia and the Southern Mediterranean.

Just as the armed forces of Italy and now France have stepped with impunity across the soil of Tunisia the Navy of the Ottoman Empire now docks in the city of Taranto in support of its operations.

The Ottoman Navy demands the right to anchor in port, and to avail itself of fresh stores and fuel. Any attempts upon the life of Ottoman Navy personnel or banditry shall be met with all methods of punitive retribution available. Our conflict is with the King of Italy, his “government”, and it’s armed forces NOT the people of Italy.

Your concern and anger during this uncertain time is justified. However, your anxieties should be directed to those ultimately responsible, the government that acts in YOUR name. This is the culmination of 43 years of colonialist policy by YOUR government and it’s selfish pursuit of the antiquated ideal of Mare Nostrum.

Today your chickens have come home to roost.

SIGNED

His Imperial Majesty Sultan Abdulhammid the II

SIGNED

The Grand Vizier

SIGNED

Admiral Hassan Pasha, Minister of the Marine

New Pope Appointed

Holy See Now Reports To Holy Roman Emperor

Rome - With the Italian capital, and consequently the Vatican, now within the Empire the Austro-Hungarian government has moved to push for the appointment of a new Pope. It is hoped that the new pontiff will not only help maintain the loyalty of the faithful within Austria-Hungary, but will help prepare those outside the fold to enter into it in the not so distant future. Fresh from his post as Governor of Venice, the new Pope was exuberant in his first address. “Ja ja! I vill pump up da faithful, neuter da sick und hungry, und shepherd da weak girly men.” In one of his first acts the Pope has indicated proselytizing those in the farthest reaches of the world will be a high priority. “I vill immediately dispatch a team of mercenar…, uh, missionaries, ja, to da jungle to convert dat predator monster und make him see da light… of da muzzle of my gun!”

Der Krieg Ist Verloren?

Berlin and Munich Fall - Eastern Front Moves West

Berlin – With Russia’s advance into Germany swallowing whole the German capital a mood of pessimism has swept over the city. Russian agents, quick to capitalize on the mood, are reputed to be buying up ad space in German newspapers, filling them with messages like “Der Krieg Ist Verloren! Kommen Sie swill Wodka mit uns stattdessen!” German resistance is far from subdued however. The Reichstag, evacuated from Berlin, met in Kiel and issued a declaration, exhorting Germans to resist the Russians through arms and sticking with Lager beer and Schnapps over Vodka. “Deutschland über alles, und Jagermeister für jeden!” one frenzied group of soldiers was reputed to have shouted before boarding trains for the front. On the street however the war is taking its toll. Asked his thoughts on the loss of the capital one rueful German replied “First we lose the World Cup to Spain, and now this? How can we be expected to go on?”

Italian Holiday

Turks sail to Italy’s South Shore while Italians flock to the French Atlantic

Apulia - It seems everyone is traveling these days. With Italians fleeing their own country, flocking instead to the beaches of the French coast, Turkish sailors have disembarked in large numbers onto Italian shores. “The beaches, the villas, the history, the looting… what more could a man ask for on holiday!” exclaimed one excited sailor when asked how he was enjoying his stay in Italy. The one common complaint was the lack of mosques for religious services, however an imam attached to the Ottoman fleet observed shrewdly, “When we first came to Constantinople there was nowhere to worship either, however after we added some minarets to the Hagia Sofia we were all set. I’m sure the Duomo di Napoli will do just as nicely with a few touch ups.”