The Lost "Diplomacy News"

The following article almost ran when an error in comminication led the Russian Tsarina to believe Austria-Hungary had attacked her.

"HE PLAYED RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH MY HEART"
RUSSIAN QUEEN BLAMES MAGICIAN FOR DIPLOMATIC WOES

MOSCOW - Sources at the Winter Palace claim that Russian Tsarina Rhiannon Davidovna is heartbroken by the betrayal of her close confidant, the Austrian Archduke--so much so, in fact, that she is blaming Gregor Rasputin for her troubles. It seems that Rasputin, who is most famous for his peculiar body odour and his all-black wardrobe, had been encouraging the alliance with the Archduke. "I overheard him telling her that he thought the Archduke was the most trustworthy of all the European leaders," a palace official tells Der Spiegel. "He also said that he thought Austria would be a strong ally for Russia. She's furious with him now, and considering banishing him to Siberia. The other royal advisors are thrilled that they might not have to compete with him any longer."

No one at the palace would comment further on the Rasputin story, though there have been unconfirmed reports that upon receiving the diplomatic missives that revealed Austria's treachery, the Tsarina exclaimed, "At least when England fucked me, he gave me the courtesy of a reach around."

Bolshevism!

Tsarina abdicates after workers rise up and storm winter palace

St. Petersburg – In a shocking turn of events Her Imperial Highness, Rhiannon Davidovna, Tsarina of all the Russias, was forced to abdicate her throne as revolutionaries took to the streets of St. Petersburg. Shocking to many observers and onlookers, the state of affairs in the Russian capital has in fact been fermenting for some time. In the waning months of the war a succession of military victories buoyed the court at St. Petersburg into a nascent triumphalism, the Tsarina and her ministers in kind giving themselves over to an oft raspberry vodka induced euphoria, neglecting the daily affairs of state. This left the populace susceptible to incitement by Bolsheviks and other rabble rousers.

“Da Tsarina and a all a dese royaltees da ‘urope ‘ave been a stepping all a over you workers, just a like dey stepped all over a me!” exclaimed one be-ragged revolutionary who, in a dishevelled way, resembled the former King of Italy. “Put a me in charge a, and I will bring a about a worker’s paradisio! You’ll a see!”

The Austro-Hungarian Archduke upon hearing the news immediately laid claim to the Russian throne, pledging to make for the capital. Before he could depart however he was spirited away by the Duchess of Matt and the Italian Queen Consort, whereupon they made him stand about while they perused women’s stockings. “I’m not even married, how does this happen?” the Archduke was overheard to bemoan before adding “Why doesn’t a Serbian terrorist just shoot me in the hea…”

With rioting and revolution in the streets the de facto and now defunct ruler of most of Europe slipped away quietly from the city. Boarding her yacht in the harbour with her husband and sisters, the Tsarina stopped only to comment “I’ve spent so much time focusing on victory abroad that I’ve let things degrade here at home. It’s time I got my own house in order.” With that she turned with a swoosh of her bustle, boarded the yacht and departed, two pocket battle-cruisers escorting her vessel in tow. A newsreel man, camera in hand, managed to record some of the departure, noting with some surprise “All in all she seems happy enough!” at spying the Tsarina’s party dancing on the aft deck as they sailed away.

An Urgent Cable from Istanbul!‏

Turks declare war on Austria-Hungary long after attacking; but better late than never
Citizens and Leaders of Europe,

It is my duty to inform you this evening that the Ottoman Empire has been left no recourse but to wage jihad against the state of Austria and the House of Habsburg-Lorraine. Subsequent to this declaration, it is my unfortunate responsibility to withdraw from our founding position in the Eastern Alliance.

At this hour it is the duty of the Ottoman Empire to state before both the world and Allah himself that it places the greatest importance on its alliance and friendship with the Russian Empire and its Tsarina. The Turkish state and its forces pledge their continued support to Russia in its own jihad against Western European imperialist decadence. The forces of the Ottoman Empire solemnly pledge to never draw their swords against another Eastern power in an act of Machiavellian aggression. This decision is based solely upon the conduct of the Ottoman Empire’s “Austrian ally”.

Through his press his supposed “Majesty”, the Emperor of Austria Franz Joseph has the audacity to suggest that this decision is the result of an alliance with Great Britain. Nothing could be further from the truth, there is and never will be an alliance between The Ottoman Empire and Great Britain. His “Majesty” and his representatives chose this grandstanding route over a private redress of grievances with this government.

The suggestion however, that Austria knows the motives of the Ottoman Empire better than its own rulers is all too typical of the arrogance displayed his “Majesty” Franz Joseph and his representatives.

It does not surprise the Turkish people that the Austro-Hungarian press would so brazenly display such hypocrisy as to declare our actions a “betrayal”. We must as citizens of the world remember that this is an Empire that has the temerity to wage wars against Imperialist states in Great Britain, France, Italy, and Germany while it subjugates and disenfranchises millions of ethnic Croats, Hungarians, Czechs, Slovaks, Poles, Romanians, Slovaks, Slovenes, and Ukrainians. Its officer’s mess fills to capacity with decedent German-speaking Barons while its roll call of frontline dead bear the names of countless enslaved minorities.

From day one of our alliance there was not one pact, one agreement, nor one understanding that was not subject to immediate reinterpretation or recantation. Whether it was Greece, France, or the Balkans - Austria’s word was never its bond. Its representatives displayed no honour in maneuvering its armies into positions against Turkish ones, openly flaunting its schemes to the enemies of this country, yet somehow continually managing to forget to inform its own “ally” of their intentions. The sailors and soldiers of the Ottoman Empire were nothing more than further fodder to be sacrificed on the altar of Viennese world domination. The promised Austrian support in the Mediterranean seemed only to materialize when it benefitted Austria. The Emperor seemed all too content to play with what it saw as its new toy in Moscow, while discarding its old one in Istanbul.

I remind you all that the Holy Quran states, “Fight against those who fight against you in the way of God, but do not transgress, for God does not love transgressors.” citizens and leaders of Europe, The Ottoman Empire can no longer forgive the transgressions of the Austrian Empire.

Sincerely

The Grand Vizier

Jihad! Turkey Betrays Allies!

Did English agents plant the seeds of disloyalty in Turkey’s heart?


Istanbul - In a faithless and baseless act of perfidy, Turkey has broken ranks with its Eastern allies and launched a full out assault along a wide front against them. With strikes against Marseilles, Rome and Budapest the Ottoman Empire has turned the diplomatic world upside down, raising many questions as to what could motivate the Sultan’s government to violate its treaties and align with its one time enemy. Observers say the trouble all began when the power behind the Sultan’s throne, the Grand Vizier, shunned his harem to become the cuckold of a Welsh woman reputed to be an agent of the English First Lord. “A man can not have two mistresses, and the Welsh lady made it clear he could not court her and the Tsarina.” said one former harem attendant, on condition of anonymity. While some might chalk up the Vizier’s change of mood to love the Turk’s former allies were not so forgiving of his diplomatic wanderlust. Speaking at a rally in Trieste to troops bound for the front the Austro-Hungarian Archduke made a number of recriminations. “Do not be deceived, the English and Ottomans have made a common pact to subjugate Europa and divvy it up into mercantile colonies and vassal states. The Occident will never relent to the Orient though, Christendom will prevail, Europa will prevail!” For her part the Tsarina of all the Russias was more reflective when reached for comment, glancing through photos from a recent costume ball at the Winter Palace at which the Vizier had attended. “We all came dressed for merry-making, he wore a soldier’s garb. We should have seen this coming.”

Tsarina Marries!

Scottish themed wedding clever ploy to make claim to the Scottish crown?

St. Petersburg – To the tune of bagpipes and the swish of kilts the Tsarina of all the Russias married recently, pulling off perhaps the most diabolical and well planned propaganda coup the world has ever seen. With the fate of Scotland still in the air and dependant on whom the Scots decide to support the Tsarina’s nuptials boasted everything Scottish, save for haggis. “You know, for the first time I can honestly say I feel out of place not wearing a skirt” the Turkish ambassador is reputed to have murmured as the tartan clad procession made its way through. With sporrans-a-plenty it is thought the affair will be used to curry support amongst the Scottish people and bolster the Tsarina’s claim to the throne of that territory. Opponents of the Russian government have been quick to play down the affair however, alleging that only one clan was actually in attendance and that the rest of the ‘Scots’ were actually Frenchmen and other confederates from the Tsarina’s occupied territories. Nothing however seems to be able to beat down the fascination the public at large has had for the occasion. Most crippling of all for Russia’s adversaries was the appearance of the Duchess of Matt in the bridal party. English advisors and diplomatic staff apparently pleaded for the Duchess prior to the event not make an appearance, lest it weaken her and her husband’s control over the highlands, but to no avail. Apparently when asked by foreign office staff why she would not reconsider the Duchess replied “Uh, do you see the dress I get to wear? Do you see the flowers I get to hold? She can have Scotland, but I’m keeping these shoes!”

Ottoman Troops enter Serbia!

Bosnian Axillaries under the command of a Turkish Lieutenant enter the Belgrade borough of Savski Venac en route to the historic confluence of the Danube and Sava rivers.

Originally published in the Istanbul Fez-Courier

BELGRADE – Ottoman Forces arrived in Belgrade this morning relieving local police forces and militias of their arms and responsibilities. Forces specially trained in mountain and irregular tactics supported by Bosnian Muslim auxiliaries and heavy artillery now straddle the Danube after declaring martial law across the former state.

Sporadic fighting took place throughout the day between Ottoman troops and anarchist Slav bandits. “By the time we are finished here Muslims across the Balkans will no longer have to live in fear of Slav aggression.” The commander of the Ottoman X Corps, General Hafiz Hakki Pasha said, from his new headquarters in Belgrade.

General Hafiz Hakki Pasha inspects members of the X Corps’ 31st Infantry Division now garrisoned in the former Serbian capital.

While he refused to speculate on the potential origin of the bandits arms and logistical support General Pasha remained optimistic that all resistance would soon cease saying, “... our Bosnian Auxiliaries have been deployed on around the clock pacification operations throughout Belgrade and the Serbian countryside. I have total confidence that once Istanbul is certain of who it is that is plotting intrigues against us that they will regret it.”

Save Serbia!

Pall falls over Balkans as ethnic strife rankles governments

Belgrade – In an act of historic perfidy, Ottoman forces, having crossed the Austro-Hungarian border into the province of Serbia last Spring, have declared their intention to annex the territory. Originally citing some alleged altercation between Bosnian Muslims and some brawling Serbs, Ottoman troops entered Belgrade, obstinately under the pretence of keeping the peace. Now they appear to have set up residence. “If the Austrians will not garrison this place then we will. There must be law, and Sharia law is just as good as any.” one Turkish officer said as his men took control the local police station. The Austro-Hungarian government sees matters differently however. “This is a clear attempt to subvert Christendom and the unity of Europa!” exclaimed a spokesman for the Austrian Archduke outside of Miramar Castle in Trieste. “These trespassers were warned about respecting the integrity of our sphere. If they do not vacate the territory immediately we will have no choice but to take the ultimate step… petition Russia for redress!” The Russian ambassadors to Trieste and Constantinople could not be reached for comment following the Austrian statement as they have been on holiday in Rumania since the outset of the incident.

Ruski Go Bragh!

Queen of Ice to face Queen of Scots on home turf

Scotland – Imperial Russian Marines made a surprise landing in Scotland the other day near Ullapool, not least surprising as the success of the landing was owed in large part to Scottish assistance. Scottish rebels, mostly hailing from the rogue clan Gordon which was driven underground by the British First Lord, came to the aid of the Russian marines who were pinned on the shore, taking the British shore defences near from behind. “Ack, me and the laddies figured why not help the Russians. After all they hate the English as much as us and their lives are just as miserable, these are men we can relate to.”

Despite the defection of the Gordons and others a full scale clan uprising remains to be seen however as the British have made an appeal to the Highlanders to follow the Duchess of Matt, wife to the British First Lord, as the true descendant to the throne of Scotland. Some clans are reported to have rallied to Edinburgh in support of her right, although the Duchess may have alienated some Scots over comments she made when one band attempted to present her with an Aboyne dress in the colours of their clan tartan. “Oh my god, are you serious, plaid? Why don’t I just put a bag over my head and die.” the Duchess reputedly remarked. Other setbacks to the British effort to repel the Russians have also been reported. Local British militia south of the landing attempted to rally a force to drive the Russians and renegades out, but much the surprise of all again an invading force of Irish dissidents flying the Russian flag landed at Ayr to send them fleeing, solidifying the Russians’ hold over the whole Clyde region. When asked why the Irish would choose to enter the war on Russia’s side one fellow amongst the dissidents reasoned it was for practical reasons. “We grow potatoes, they drink vodka. Needless to say we stand to earn a wee bit of coin under the Tsarina.”

France Falls

Italians defeated too, but no one really surprised or interested



Paris – To the refrain of Deutschland Uber Alles German forces marched through the streets of the former capital of the French Republic. Goose-stepping down the Champs-Élysées, the Germans put on a show of bravado despite recent setbacks at home. “Sure, ve may be ze last German army, but ve have followed un our forefather’s footsteps zis day!” extolled one officer before sharply clicking his heels and marching away. The French, whose armies collapsed on all fronts and have now been completely conquered by their enemies, were, as can be expected, sullen but also someone apathetic. “Mon dieu, not again.” snorted one gourmand as he watched the passing Germans before returning to his elcair. In the rest of occupied France it’s much the same. Café owners carried on their usual business of spitting on the ground in front of foreigners, while at the cabaret the women braided the hair of their underarms as usual before taking to the stage. In British occupied Brest the scene was similar, with the exception that the English occupiers somehow looked even more sullen than the fallen French. One Royal Navy sailor ruefully quipped “Now that we’ve bested Froggie it looks like we’ll have to live with them… damn, didn’t think that one out, now did we?”

Turks Celebrate Vizier's Birthday

Reported in the Moscow Gazette on the 26th August

GENEVA - Much of Europe was able to take a much needed rest from the increasingly tense state of affairs, as celebrations occured throughout Africa and the Mediterranean in honour of the Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire's birthday. In Constantinople, a particularly loyal group of subjects even treated the Grand Vizier to a special performance:


They Might Be Giants - Instanbul (Not Constantinople)
Uploaded by jpdc11. - See the latest featured music videos.

It is believed that the Grand Vizier's office will return to business as usual tomorrow.

Ottoman Troops Liberate Tunisia!

Officials caution jihad against European Imperialism far from over.

Ottoman troops landing at Gammarth in the Gulf of Tunis, 15 kilometers north of the city.

TUNIS (October 15, 1905) – Thousands of true believers lined the streets of Tunisia’s capital today to hail the arrival of their Muslim liberators. With the French Naval squadron driven from the region and eventually scuttled off the North African coast a division of Ottoman Marines landed at Gammarth, 15 kilometers north of the capital in the early morning hours of the 15th of October before marching south unopposed to liberate the twice occupied beleaguered Tunisian capital.
Upon entering the city the Marines paraded through to the cities main square greeted by flowers, cheers, and tears from the cities inhabitants. Local crowds tore down symbols of the French occupation casting flags, signs, and banners into open pyres in the city centre. The Ottoman Marines were also shown evidence of Italian atrocities committed in the name of order and economic exploitation.
The commander of the 3rd Marine Division General Adem Celik met with tribal leaders at Tunis’ city hall before addressing a throng of jubilant spectators. Celik celebrated Sultan Abdulhamid the II, The Grand Vizier, and the valor of the Ottoman Navy before cautioning that this days triumph did not mark the end of the Ottoman Empire’s war with the Imperial powers of Western Europe.
This tone was echoed in Istanbul by the Grand Vizier writing to the nation in the evening edition of the October 15th newspaper. The Grand Vizier wrote “This is not the end, no it is not even the beginning of the end, but it is perhaps the end of the beginning.”

Germans Liberated!

Contradiction in terms baffles many

Kiel - It what many observers and pundits have called an oxymoron of history, the German Army actually liberated people today with their recapture of the territory of Kiel. Goose-stepping soldiers were greeted by throngs on the streets as Germans celebrated the return of German forces to German soil. The soldiers took it all in stride, although a few clearly looked bewildered. “Ja, it’s strange you know,” said one private in the Kaiser’s Korp. “Vhen you train you learn to burn, pillage, loot, shoot ze dissidents… I mean, ze don’t call zhem jackboots for nothzing! Dis ist all very irregular.” Jubilation over the German gains were somewhat muted however by the fall of Sweden and Denmark to Russia and Britain respectively. Commented one lederhosen wearing Burgermeister, “Zeeing der boys home ist good und all, but let’s hope der English’s help doesn’t comen at such a high price ze next time.”

International Scandal Rocks English Admiralty‏

Submitted by a Russian columnist in a prominent fashion magazine

International gossip mongers were shocked earlier this week when it was revealed that the Lady Jessica was spotted in Austrian occupied Venezia earlier this week in the company of a man who looked not unlike the Archduke Ferdinand. The Lady Jessica is the wife of High Admiral A-ron of His Majesty's Navy, and is widely believed to be descended from Mary, Queen of Scots. Her marriage to the High Admiral shocked many in the upper echelons of English society last summer, as many felt that this English rose married beneath her station. Her arrival in Venezia coincides with Venitian Fashion Week, and the Lady Jessica is well-known throughout Europe as one of the most fashionable women in England.

When queried about her presence in a foreign country during a time of war, the Lady Jessica smiled and replied, "But darling, even if the war ended next week, Venetian Fashion Week is still only happening right now. International diplomacy means nothing if I don't have the best dresses for next season."

The man who might be Ferdinand proceeded to accompany the Lady Jessica to several of the week's shows and to several of the designers' ateliers. Shopowners throughout Venezia noted that the Lady's companion was unusually stoic for a man on a wardrobe expedition, and restrained his eyerolling to only those moments when the Lady Jessica was in other rooms.

It is believed that the Lady Jessica purchases several new dresses in anticipation of the upcoming season.

England Throws Down In Iberia

Spain Occupied By Brits, Portugal Next?

Madrid – Citing a possible violation of the territorial integrity of Gibraltar, the British fleet occupied northern Spain and has blockaded the harbours of Portugal, making it clear they intend to stay. “We’ve put up with these French blighters long enough, time to give Froggie the heave hoe and show ‘em who rules the waves!” exhorted one English captain to his mostly Welsh and Scottish crew after settling into harbour. Le Français are not taking the matter lightly either, setting up a resistance movement from their besieged fortress of Lisbon and calling on international assistance and an appeal to the Spanish people. “Our claim to this land is historic and our principles more enticing to the people of Iberia than those of Anglo-imperialism. Liberté, égalité, et vin!” read one communiqué by the French Foreign Ministry. Internationally however there has been no overt support of either nation’s position. When asked which claim his government would likely recognize of the two the Turkish Ambassador to St. Petersburg answered “I do not see how either rightfully can rule Al-Andalus.” On the street Spaniards seemed almost indifferent to the conflict. “Britain, France, it’s all the same bull,” quipped one matador, adding “but at least we don’t have Russian bears charging us down here.”

Italians To Establish Government In Exile In Ireland

Amore may have something to do with move

Dublin – After months of moving between Marseilles, Brest and their embassy compound in London the Italian Government in Exile may have settled on a central location for their ongoing resistance, Ireland. Seeking a more peaceful and stable atmosphere it is rumoured the King and his government are planning to remove themselves to Dublin and southern Ireland where they can both manage their forces on the French coast and maintain relations with England with some small measure of autonomy. Italians have already been visiting Ireland for short leaves to recover from the weariness of the war. “The religion is the same, the flag is almost the same, the weather is… tolerable, if we can get a few of them to switch from potatoes to pasta and pesto it’ll feel almost like home.” said one Italian officer on leave.

Royal watchers and rumour mongers suggest the move may have as much to do with amore however as it does with practicality.

The deposed Italian King is rumoured to have taken an Irish mistress and some have gone so far as to suggest the couple may even wed. “Normally this breach of station would be unheard of, but under the circumstances it might just fly.” noted one royal gossip columnist, adding “It’s not the canals of Venice, but England’s backyard is just as good a place as any to find love.”

Russia to Build Trans-European Roadway

Russians to be able to travel Europe more freely in future

St. Petersburg - The Russian government, in an effort to show it is committed to peace and public improvement in its newly acquired territories, has undertaken several projects of public works including a new roadway that will span the entire length of that empire. The roadway, already under construction for some months now is set to have its official grand opening in the not too distant future. While many applaud the project and the work it has brought to a number of regions there are those that see the timetable for the grand opening as being premature. Critics have been quick to note that while progress on the project has been impressive thus far, work crews at present have only completed one lane for most of the roadway’s length. “Well, we only need a westbound lane at present. That’s where most of the traffic is heading.” explained Matvey Mayotteski, chief engineer on the project and director of the Tsarina’s Imperial Public Works Program. “Once we have driven westward far enough, then we’ll deal with getting home.”

Italian Fortune Teller Disrupts Sitting of Parliament

Preachy crone says she saw it all coming

London - An emergency session of the British House of Commons to discuss recent military setbacks in Norway and the opening of a new front in Ibernia was interrupted today when a deranged Italian woman, claiming to be a mystic, burst in on the session. Before the Sergeant at Arms could remove the self proclaimed seer, a Signora Traverso, admonished the chamber for not seeing the future as clearly as she. “I a see great misfortune for all. I a warn every-a-body, but a does someone listen to a me? No!” With the British capital dealing with an increased influx of both Italian and German refugees as a consequence of the war on the continent resources at home are stretched thin, and some watchers fear this incident will not help reduce tensions at home. Others however made light of the situation, with one MP noting with a guffaw, “Harrumph! What makes her think she can lecture us? Pshaw! If she was such a clairvoyant she should have seen her own fate and saved herself from it.”

Moscow Circus Visits Budapest

Russian cultural exchange with the Austro-Hungarian Empire a big hit

Budapest – To the tune of drums and tubas the Moscow Circus paraded through Budapest in advance of its opening night. The circus is visiting as part of a cultural exchange program between Russia and Austria-Hungary, the idea being to encourage citizens of the respective empires to integrate and better appreciate each other’s cultures. “Through such exchanges we hope to further encourage pan-European integration,” noted a spokesman for the government sanctioned program. “It’s all about unity and peace, what we’re seeing here.” For most onlookers however, especially the wee ones, it was more about the elephants, clowns, dancing bears, jugglers and trapeze artists parading by. Most lining the streets seemed to be dazzled by the spectacle, however not all present were impressed. “So they have dancing bears, so what?” remarked one onlooker. “Now the Tsarina, there’s an act. She can make the whole of Europe dance on the point of a bayonet!”

Britannia Absentia

Carousing precedes politicking in the English Court

London - The British fleet may be foundering at sea for want of its First Lord. Sources close to the Duchess of Matt, the Admiral’s wife, report that the couple have been busily engaged in English high society of late and that as such the First Lord’s duties have fallen to the wayside. “Forget the diplomats, the cotillion beckons!” the Duchess was heard to retort when an adjunct tried to present a communiqué to the Admiral. Others suggest that the First Lord’s absence from affairs of state may be more calculated however than that comment lets on. There is a rumour abounding Whitehall that the Admiral was recently fleeced at cards by the roguish Italian ambassador to London, and that the withholding of orders may be some form of reprisal towards that beleaguered government, dependant on England’s goodwill as they are these days.

British Dreadnoughts Set Sail

London - After the humiliating rout of Britain’s fleet in the Barents Sea last fall the Royal Navy is back on its feet. Launching from the shipyards about London, England’s newest taskforce will be led by the flagship dreadnought HMS King George V. Dockworkers were clearly excited at the launching, as England’s shipbuilding program has brought them considerable prosperity. While patriotism certainly is a factor in the celebration, others cited different reasons for their exuberance. “Tha’ was a time when blokes like us would be out a work for months at a time, see, but with them Russians blockin’ and blowin’ ‘em out a tha’ water like they are tha’ work jus’ keeps comin’ for us nowadays!” chirped one cockney shipwright.

The new flagship will be escorted out of harbour by its companion dreadnoughts HMS Jessica’s Fury and HMS Hugo’s Underbite.

Austria-Hungary Responds to Italian Statement on Turkish Declaration

An Address to the Italian People

Your government exhorts you to stand and die in their defence while they slip out the back door. Naples has been abandoned. Rather than fight your leaders, using the armies that should have been kept at home to protect you, have fled through France to Brest where they will shortly board ships and flee to London, into the safety and arms of their masters. The cities, women and children of your land have been left helpless while your leaders have been tricked into partaking in an Anglo-world conspiracy, fighting a proxy war in France as puppets alongside Germany. Is that where your fight rests? Many of your young men have fallen and died, seen their homes destroyed, and for what? So that your government can continue to lord over a few desert dwellers in Tunis? Leave the Orient and Africa for the Ottomans and abandon the petty strife of nationalism. Rejoin Europa, become one with a greater, cosmopolitan civilization.

The House of Habsburg has always been a friend to Italy. Out of the darkness of the middle ages the Habsburgs helped bring the light of the renaissance to Italy. Under the Habsburgs the arts, sciences and architecture of which Italians are now so proud flourished. Italy has always been at its best when it has been free of the pursuits of imperialism. Under the protection of the Habsburgs and the Austro-Hungarian Empire the Italian provinces may flourish once more.

Italy must not be kept in isolation, but shared with the world. Receive us in friendship, and you shall be met with friendship in kind.

To Stability! To Prosperity! To Peace!

Signed, On behalf of His Imperial and Royal Apostolic Majesty, Emperor Franz Joseph I,

His Imperial and Royal Highness, The Archduke

Italian Response to Turkish Declaration

I cittadini dell Impero Italiano,

Non prestare ascolto alla propaganda degli maledetto turco. Siate certi che le vostre mogli ei bambini sono a rischio e sovrano italia è già minacciata. Resistete alla opressor odiato e maledetto il suo tirapiedi musulmano. Tu sei il salvatore dell'Europa. uomini italiani guardare contro le ottomano e il suo burattino - austriaca. Con il vostro aiuto siamo in grado di contrastare bastardi orientale.

L'Italia non sarà mai vinto! Viva la Monarca!

Firmato,
Tommaso Tittoni,
Ministro degli Esteri

Firmato,
Victor Emmanuel III

France Responds to Turk Declaration on Italy

Citoyens de l'empire français,

Vous devez résister à la tyrannie Saracenne! Vos conquérants, honoreront-ils votre religion et libertés, s'ils n'honoreront pas même votre langue? Aujourd'hui, le président français a reçu un télégramme en anglais du sultan de la Turquie. En anglais! Voulez-vous un autre roi qui ne parlera pas même votre langue? Honte! Vive longtemps la République!

M. Le President.

Ottoman Declaration to Italy

Citizens of the Kingdom of Italy!

The Ottoman Navy has begun operations to protect the sovereignty of the Turkish state in the Mediterranean and the continent of Africa.

For centuries Europeans have travelled to the shores of Africa and the Middle East to plunder its riches at the expense of its peoples all while callously laying waste to their culture, beliefs, and traditions.

In pursuit of the redemption of these repressed peoples his imperial majesty Sultan Abdulhammid the II has authorized a war of liberation for the exploited peoples of Tunisia and the Southern Mediterranean.

Just as the armed forces of Italy and now France have stepped with impunity across the soil of Tunisia the Navy of the Ottoman Empire now docks in the city of Taranto in support of its operations.

The Ottoman Navy demands the right to anchor in port, and to avail itself of fresh stores and fuel. Any attempts upon the life of Ottoman Navy personnel or banditry shall be met with all methods of punitive retribution available. Our conflict is with the King of Italy, his “government”, and it’s armed forces NOT the people of Italy.

Your concern and anger during this uncertain time is justified. However, your anxieties should be directed to those ultimately responsible, the government that acts in YOUR name. This is the culmination of 43 years of colonialist policy by YOUR government and it’s selfish pursuit of the antiquated ideal of Mare Nostrum.

Today your chickens have come home to roost.

SIGNED

His Imperial Majesty Sultan Abdulhammid the II

SIGNED

The Grand Vizier

SIGNED

Admiral Hassan Pasha, Minister of the Marine

New Pope Appointed

Holy See Now Reports To Holy Roman Emperor

Rome - With the Italian capital, and consequently the Vatican, now within the Empire the Austro-Hungarian government has moved to push for the appointment of a new Pope. It is hoped that the new pontiff will not only help maintain the loyalty of the faithful within Austria-Hungary, but will help prepare those outside the fold to enter into it in the not so distant future. Fresh from his post as Governor of Venice, the new Pope was exuberant in his first address. “Ja ja! I vill pump up da faithful, neuter da sick und hungry, und shepherd da weak girly men.” In one of his first acts the Pope has indicated proselytizing those in the farthest reaches of the world will be a high priority. “I vill immediately dispatch a team of mercenar…, uh, missionaries, ja, to da jungle to convert dat predator monster und make him see da light… of da muzzle of my gun!”

Der Krieg Ist Verloren?

Berlin and Munich Fall - Eastern Front Moves West

Berlin – With Russia’s advance into Germany swallowing whole the German capital a mood of pessimism has swept over the city. Russian agents, quick to capitalize on the mood, are reputed to be buying up ad space in German newspapers, filling them with messages like “Der Krieg Ist Verloren! Kommen Sie swill Wodka mit uns stattdessen!” German resistance is far from subdued however. The Reichstag, evacuated from Berlin, met in Kiel and issued a declaration, exhorting Germans to resist the Russians through arms and sticking with Lager beer and Schnapps over Vodka. “Deutschland über alles, und Jagermeister für jeden!” one frenzied group of soldiers was reputed to have shouted before boarding trains for the front. On the street however the war is taking its toll. Asked his thoughts on the loss of the capital one rueful German replied “First we lose the World Cup to Spain, and now this? How can we be expected to go on?”

Italian Holiday

Turks sail to Italy’s South Shore while Italians flock to the French Atlantic

Apulia - It seems everyone is traveling these days. With Italians fleeing their own country, flocking instead to the beaches of the French coast, Turkish sailors have disembarked in large numbers onto Italian shores. “The beaches, the villas, the history, the looting… what more could a man ask for on holiday!” exclaimed one excited sailor when asked how he was enjoying his stay in Italy. The one common complaint was the lack of mosques for religious services, however an imam attached to the Ottoman fleet observed shrewdly, “When we first came to Constantinople there was nowhere to worship either, however after we added some minarets to the Hagia Sofia we were all set. I’m sure the Duomo di Napoli will do just as nicely with a few touch ups.”

Austria-Hungary Declares War On France

To the respective governments of Europa;

For too long the West has conspired to steal the wealth of the East, consigning the balance of humanity to economic starvation and rendering them subservient to foreign military domination. No More! Today we put an end to that dominance.

The balance of power has permanently and irrevocably shifted. We will no longer tolerate outside intrusion into our sphere. We strive to preserve the multi-ethnic harmony of the East. To this end we have undertaken a fundamental reshaping of Europa. We will stand as a bulwark against ethnic nationalism, a hammer against socialism, a bloc against the radical political structures of Western styled republics and as a guarantor of monarchical order.

Whereas France, in violating the seas of the Mediterranean and stating her intent to seize territory in what is clearly Ottoman Africa, has made it clear she intends to upend the established order to pursue her own perverse mercantile interests, it falls to us to preserve the integrity and stability of the region.

Therefore the Austro-Hungarian Empire, in solidarity with the Ottoman Empire, formally declares war on the French Republic.

As the sun wanes and sets on France the stars will rise over Austria-Hungary and her allies. All those that abandon the French will find peace and friendship await them, whereas those that tarry may feel the wintry bite of our enmity. The French aggressor must be subdued!

To Ottoman and Austro-Hungarian Cooperation! To Europa! To Victory!

Signed, On behalf of His Imperial and Royal Apostolic Majesty, Emperor Franz Joseph I,

His Imperial and Royal Highness, The Archduke

France Responds To Turkish Declaration of War

... sort of.

Good Evening,

Keeping with the French tradition of combat, I will be brief.

That is all,

President Crapaud

Ottoman Empire Declares War On France

Good Morning,

Fellow world leaders, I write to you today from my office at Topkapi Palace in Istanbul on a matter of critical importance. Beginning in the spring of 1902 this government undertook a series of negotiations with the high and most honourable representative of La Troisième République Française. These discussions were principally aimed at achieving an agreement with the French state over general strategy but these discussions soon devolved into resolving a question of Mediterranean hegemony.
It is the position of the Ottoman Empire that a French occupation of Tunisia is in no uncertain terms completely unacceptable. Tunisia is nation that demographically is overwhelmingly made up of believers in the Islamic faith. In his role as Caliph of the Faithful it is the sacred duty of his imperial majesty Abdülhamid II to ensure the right of free worship and just governance for all members of the true faith. As the holy Quran states in 2.257, “Allah is the Protector of those who have faith: from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light. Of those who reject faith, the patrons are the evil ones: from light they will lead them forth into the depths of darkness.” Based on both the spirit of our bi-lateral negotiations, and the recent deployment of the French armed forces within the Mediterranean it is obvious to any freethinking observer that such an occupation must be the objective of the French state.
The government of the Ottoman Empire readily admits before the eyes of the world that at times its conduct in these negotiations was not always perfect. This government did however, attempt to sincerely salvage these discussions by offering both a non-aggression pact, and the creation of a demilitarized zone with the ultimate goal of preserving peace in the Mediterranean. It is my unfortunate duty this morning to tell you all that no such undertaking has been agreed to by La Troisième République Française.
Consequently it is my duty to announce as Grand Vizier of the Ottoman Empire with the full authority of his imperial majesty Sultan Abdülhamid II that effective noon this day, the beginning of spring 1903 that a state of war now exists between the Ottoman Empire and France. I assure you all this decision was not arrived at lightly, ironically it was the great French philosopher Voltaire who once said, “Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” However, for this nation there is no longer any alternative.

The Grand Vizier

Venice in Ruins!

*The following story was picked up from a prominent Italian publication*

After a twelve month long siege, the city of Venice has finally fallen to the Austrian Empire. Largely due to complacency on the part of the city's defenders, the gates were opened and a crack team of Hungarian shock troops were able to infiltrate overnight, proudly raising the Austro-Hungarian flag over the gondola-loving city.

The new rulers quickly set about looting and demolishing the city, leaving nothing untouched. One soldier of the occupying force was quoted as saying "...lots of laughs so far, the blinds are good and the prostitutes are frightfully good swimmers!"

Historical note: The Pic I've linked to is of the ruins of the bell tower at St. Marks - which collapsed, strangely enough, in 1902!

Habsburgs Appoint New Governor To Venice

Venice - With the recent conquest of Venice by Austria-Hungary the Habsburg dynasty is not losing any time in solidifying their hold by appointing a governor to oversee the new territory. “Ja, I promise I will pump up Venice like I did Californias, und beat down any girly man dat challenges me!” said the Governor at his swearing in ceremony to a smattering of applause. When asked subsequently by the media whether continued Italian resistance to the incursion would pose a problem to his administration and the forces of the empire under his command the Governor simply remarked “If it bleeds, we can kill it.”

Russian Ballet Comes To Vienna!

Vienna – The Imperial Russian Ballet swept into Vienna to much fanfare last night, bringing some of Europe’s greatest performers to the continent’s cultural capital. Due to concerns about the troupe travelling abroad in light of hostilities with England they were escorted into the city by a security contingent, the Russian Third Army. Their first scheduled performance for the winter season will be a rendition of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker. “Let’s just hope the choice of play isn’t a metaphor.” quipped one Vienna arts critic and columnist in this morning’s newspaper edition.

All of Vienna society is expected to be in attendance at the first performance, save His Imperial and Royal Apostolic Majesty, the Emperor, and his heir, the Archduke, whom are wintering near the sea at Schloß Miramar, the Archduke’s castle in Trieste.

Italy Seizes Marseilles

Marseilles – To the surprise of many, not least the French, Italian forces deftly moved into Marseilles, expanding westward even while losing ground at home. Some residents of the city slept right through the invasion and may not have even noticed the change had the one bar on the flag fluttering over the city not changed to green from blue overnight. Most citizens on the street seemed cowed, save one gourmand who was heard to exclaim from the patio of a downtown café “Zot alors! They have replaced the French Roast and baguettes with espresso and biscotti, c’est intolérable!”

Levity

They say a picture says a thousand words. Presumably "Watch out!" would be two of them.

England Infers Biological Warfare Afoot

The English, known for their elegance and grace with words, have indicated that an earlier reported loss was really a ruse in the following news release:

Spoils of War or Spoils of Gore???

Thousands of Russian's in Moscow, the backward hole-of-a-city many Russian's call home, have fallen ill today. The Tsarina held a party on the weekend where the English booty was shown off as part of the Russian 'spoils of war exhibit'. Reports indicate that English intelligence agents had laced the Admiral's sweater and travel mug with smallpox. Russian's, being as backward as they are, are generally more susceptible to biological agents like smallpox. Early reports indicate that the damage done may lead to an early retreat in Scandinavia for Russian forces stationed there; who prior to this incident were hardly holding the line as is. It would seem that Russian forces stationed North of Moscow have been hardest hit - as fucking the guy to the left of you while giving him a 'reach around' is a great way to transmit the disease. In other news the Celtics shit the bed last night.......

In reply to the news release the Italian ambassador to London is reported to have quipped “Seems like the Habsburgs are suffering from a bad case of this self same disease... along with their deformed jaws.”

Italy foresees a new curriculum in Europe

A menaced and troubled Kingdom of Italy sent the following warning to the Austro-Hungarian and Ottoman governments in response to comments made by the Austrian Archduke in a prominent Viennan publication.

"Here's another good read for the lowly Turk and the grieving father of Ferdinand if they continue on their current path. In fact, it will be required reading in both nations schools... Russian language only of course."

While it is certain the message was meant to dissuade aggression against the Italian state by to two aforementioned empires, the Austro-Hungarian heir when reached for comment could help not but note that Italy's insinuation does not suggest much faith in the Anglo-German combine. The Ottoman ambassador in Rome meanwhile, somewhat flustered, is reputed to have retorted “And you brought me into this because?”

Something To Read Into

In a recent interview with a prominent Vienna newspaper, the heir apparent to the Austro-Hungarian throne was asked about the troubling state of affairs in Europe these days with the outbreak of hostilities between England and Russia. “To be truthful I haven’t given it much thought,” confessed the Archduke, adding “I’ve been wrapped up in a good book lately and haven’t set it down.” When asked what book could be that distracting the Archduke produced the following volume. “Mark my words,” said the heir apparent, “this little number will be on the best sellers’ lists of all the major nations very soon.”

Tsarina Responds to English Declaration of War

Esteemed leaders of Europe,

It is our royal duty to respond to this nonsense, though, to quote one of Admiral A-ron's countrymen, we believe it to be little more than "a tale/ told by an idiot, full of sound and fury/ signifying nothing." Indeed, anyone who has had any diplomatic dealing with the Admiral knows exactly how sincere his offers are(n't). To wit, simply observe the salutation in the latest missive from England: you have been addressed as the "Colonial Leaders of Europe," which you are not. A Colonial Leader is one who leads a colony, not a nation. This wording--perhaps a Freudian slip?--suggests that England already views your nation as one of its colonies. Will you stand for that?

Russia will not.

Respectfully,
Tsarina Rhiannon Davidovna, by grace of God Empress and Imperatrix of all the Russias

Russian privateers seize English booty – First spoils of war belong to the Tsarina

Rumours out of St. Petersburg and London are that Russian privateers somehow managed to board an English vessel and seize personal cargo belonging to the First Lord of the Admiralty. Among these affects are rumoured to be his prized sweater from the naval academy and a royal travel mug, bestowed on the First Lord by the King himself. One imagines these treasures will adorn the war room of the Winter Palace as the Russian General Staff plan their next move.

England Declares War On Russia

This just in. The British Foreign Ministry has dispersed the following letter to all the sovereign governments in Europe.

_____

Colonial Leaders of Europe,

I write to announce to all the colonial leaders of Europe that this government has formally declared war on Rhiannon of Russia. Several diplomatic envoys have been rebuffed without reply and offers of non-aggression have been ignored. This belligerent disregard for a mutual respect, even during times of territorial dispute, has left this great nation no other option. I have tasked Admiral A-ron, First Lord of the Admiralty, to make swift preparation for the destruction of Russia. This government vows to fully assist any other nation in this regard. I would like to make mention that it is henceforth the policy of this administration to cut all formal diplomatic ties with the Russians - therefore this is the last diplomatic release that the Russians will receive from this government. God speed to all who share in this aim.

- King Edward the VII of England

WAR!

The only thing missing from Diplomacy is the news commentary and propoganda that makes war so nostolgic. While we are well underway now I thought it clever idea to chronicle the happenings in the game in a newsreel type format, via this blog. If you have any entertaining contributions send them to me and I'll be happy to post. Let's get ready for resolution, Fall '02!

- The Archduke