Italy Occupies Spain

French out-surrender Italians

Madrid – In a bookmaker’s match-up in which it was hugely contested who’d be able to rip the centre out of their tricolour first and wave it around their head, the French have defied the odds to all but abandon the Iberian Peninsula, leaving Italy in possession of Spain. Having entered Spain the previous Spring unopposed, as the French had already fallen back to home territory, there had been some notion that the French might actually contest the Italian incursion, but that notion has now been dispelled.

“Ha, no one gives up before France! Ze think we will make war? Alors, we make crêpes! Take zat you Italian dogs, enjoy your war making while we seduce votre femmes!” exclaimed on French commander, before breaking out into outrageous French laughter.

The Italian troops for their part were clearly mystified by their progress. “This a forward moving, advancing I a think dey a call it, dat takes some a getting a used to.” commented one soldier. Italian military officials have been recalled to Rome to explain the situation to the King, and develop some plan to sustain their armies. “Normally a they a would be prisoners of war by now. We a never thought we’d have to feed them dis long.” said one attaché, on condition of anonymity. “And a get dis, apparently a you can reload a rifle after use a. Had a we known dat a we would have a bought more bulletos.”

To add to the Italian government’s confusion at the newfound state of affairs the small kingdom has also added Trieste to their territory after several gondolas out of Venice strayed into harbour and were subsequently declared to be in possession of the city. “We a tried to a give it a back, but de wouldn’t have a it.” expained one befuddled oarsman. “I a guess we should just stick a to switching sides, it’s a what we do a best.”

Kipling Sounds The Alarm

But not all agree armies the way to go

London – English laureate and outspoken commentator Rudyard Kipling has begun a speaking tour which will take him all around Britain in hopes of rousing his countrymen from what he deems “a fatal slumber.” “The Hun has introduced conscription and amassed armies that outnumber ours four to one,” said Kipling. “Can we really let our young men loll about while across the Channel the Germanic Horde struts in triumph? We need conscription now!” While the atmosphere of jingoism does permeate much of Britain these days following the successful campaign in Russia, not all agree with Kipling’s assessment of the Empire’s situation, nor where its priorities should lay.

“Rubbish! We are an island nation, and it is the sea that will keep us safe.” retorted MP Winston Churchill upon hearing of Kipling’s comments. “While I am no great admirer of Bosch, he has but a tiny flotilla moored in Stockholm. Unless the Germans can goosestep on water, and I very much doubt that, our continued safety rests, as it always has, with the Royal Navy.” Some cynical commentators note that the MP is rumoured to have aspirations of assuming the post of First Lord of the Admiralty, and as such his defence of the navy may be politically motivated. With the most recent military expenditures by the government evenly split between the Army and Royal Navy, it is believed the Prime Minister will attempt to court favour with both camps, and prepare for every eventuality.

Barge Sinks In The Baltic

Former Tsar of the Russias feared onboard

Copenhagen – The Russian expatriate community fell into mourning this morning on word that the former Tsar of all the Russias has drowned. The government in exile, set up in Iceland to agitate its foes beyond their reach, verified in a statement that the Tsar was secretly being ferried to safety when the vessel he was on apparently capsized. “We are seeking any witnesses that can shed light on what happened.” said an official for the exiled band. With all of his armies gone and the navy proper sunk it is believed the Tsar was making a late getaway on a salvage scow used by the Russian Navy, decked out with some small armaments to give it the appearance of a cruiser or something more fierce than it was. “In the end, all of our vessels proved to be Potemkin, if you follow me.” quipped one former Russian sailor before returning to the street to beg for change. At present there is no word whether a service will be held to commemorate the late Tsar, speculation being that the government in exile may be waiting to see if his body washes ashore in the next few days.

Paris And Warsaw Fall To Germany 37 Years Ahead Of Schedule

A testament to German efficiency!

Occupied Paris – Defying the old adage that Germany cannot successfully make war on two fronts, soldiers of the Wehrmacht entered Paris and Warsaw simultaneously, goosestepping in triumph. “You can’t move even zis fast und der autobahn. Remarkable!” exclaimed a monocle clad Oberstleutnant. “Now, lets zee if ve can’t replace a few of zeese éclairs und der display vindows vith strudel, ja!”

“If Bosch thinks we are going to eat le merde, zey are crazy.” remarked one French café patron moments later after the German was out of earshot. After a long drag of his cigarette the beret adorned man went even further, stating “Ze Free French fight on, as long as we ‘ave ‘ope and wine, we can bear zis.”

Warsaw residents were less defiant to the change of guard, having already been under occupation by Austria-Hungary. “We’ve traded one set of Germans for another, who cares?” mused one resident, adding “I’ll say this for Franz Joe’s boys though, they weren’t nearly as ominous looking somehow.”