Ottoman Insurrection!

Democratic Unrest Spreads to Turkey
Istanbul – Protests and riots that have spread across the Middle East and been toppling local potentates have spread in recent days to the Ottoman capital itself. The clamor for regime change and free elections first began in the fringes of the empire, and have been slowly moving inwards towards the heart of the empire. With governors in Tunis and Egypt already deposed and riots and demonstrations spreading as far as Damascus and Tripoli, the Sultan today consented to hold parliamentary style elections to fill the offices of his court. “With our troops preoccupied at the front we have no choice but to make peace with the protesters.” said the Grand Vizier, the Sultan’s chief minister. As part of the Sultan’s compromise with the protesters the Grand Vizier must resign his political office as well as the title of Kaptan Pasha, commander of Ottoman fleet and forces. “We’re letting the rabble direct the course of history, Allah save us. May the almighty guide and protect the Sultan, peace be upon him.”

While the Vizier is off organizing and fighting for election to his former appointed post, the military will be stepping in to direct affairs of state and guide the war effort. Mustafa Kemal McNevin, who up to now has been Pasha of the Eastern Command, will be assuming control of Ottoman forces and the Vizier’s office for the duration of the crisis. Hailing from empire’s Russian territories, McNevin Pasha vowed to carry on the war and bring victory to the Ottoman state. “We will vanquish all the traitors that have stabbed us in the back so many times before!” exclaimed the Pasha in a prepared statement. “Whomever prevails in these… elections… shall preside over a court that dominates the world, this I solemnly swear!”

No statement has been issued yet indicating the formal details of how the transfer of power will take place, however it is expected to happen almost immediately.

Time Traveler Challenges British Foreign Policy

London – The appearance of a mysterious visitor in the British capital has set the city ablaze with rumours and fanciful talk of time travel. Witnesses say late Wednesday evening a police box materialized out of thin air in the middle of Piccadilly Circus, out of which emerged a man claiming to be a doctor from the future. If these accounts weren’t strange enough to cause a stir, the mysterious man’s message from the supposed future has proven even more alien than his person. “Let the Germans take over the continent!” exhorted said doctor to the assembled crowd. “If you don’t you’ll just wind up fighting them later, and then the EU will try and impose Euros and the metric system on us. The metric system, for the love of God!” The bewildered crowd clearly didn’t know what to make of some of the Doctor’s strange comments, however before they could be clarified he took off for the London Stock Exchange, bought a number of shares of Standard & Poor’s, and then vanished as he came. His comments about Germany however have lingered and ignited some public debate, with opponents of German domination coming out in force. “By his accent he’s clearly a Scot,” observed one onlooker who was present during the spectacle; “can we really trust the word of a Scot anymore than we would Bosch? I don’t think so.”

Some have suggested the mysterious doctor may have been a secret German agent, while others have argued his advice might be sound, given recent German aggression. While His Majesty’s government has refrained from comment on the issue, the Turkish Ambassador, Davros Dalek, has publicly encouraged the British people to repudiate the Doctor’s message. Asked directly what he thinks England should do about Germany he made a very succinct statement. “Exterminate. Exterminate!”

Bon Fete Foch!

French leader celebrates birthday in exile

North Africa – Months of investigative journalism has uncovered that the former French commander, General Foch, is alive and well. The former leader’s condition and whereabouts were discovered after an exhaustive search to find the remnants of the French fleet yielded results. The vessels were located in shallows just off the North African coast, scuttled and clearly abandoned for some time. On the shore however were a number of suspiciously pale and beret clad ‘Algerians’. “Alors, ve ‘ave not seen zees Franchmen ‘ou speak of,” said a representative of the group, who without his thin moustache would have bared a striking resemblance to the presumably deceased General Foch. “Now, come drink ze wine wis us!” After much wine and a little cognac, one of the pasty Algerians made a toast of “Bon fete Foch!”, with everyone giving a brief cheer until the moustache clad Foch gave them all a dirty look, muttering “Les imbeciles.” With the cat out of the bag, Foch agreed to answer a few questions on condition his exact location not be given away. “Ah, it iz not so bad,” remarked Foch, when asked how he was adjusting to life away from France. “Ze food is deplorable, but ze vin, she iz as plentiful here as in Marseilles. When asked his thoughts on the war Foch responded “It iz a shame France iz divided in three. Even under a foreign flag, France should be united.” When asked who he thought might accomplish this Foch, chuckling, would only reply “Non, non, you will not drag me into zat mess. Let zem fight it out amongst zemselves, n’est pas?